This letter is inspired by my role model, to all queer, plus-size POCs.
It takes balls – wait let me rephrase that – It takes titties to collect all of your courage to be out there vulnerable, authentic and unfiltered, I know.
while growing up I was waking up and falling asleep feeling wrong, different and never enough. I’d never in my life seen queer, POC, plus-size bodies in the media and that added even deeper cuts to the evil circle of body negativity.
I’ve been asked why I’m overdressed or put so much thought into looks. One of my first compliments that I got, scared me – I choked up, thinking that I needed to keep that up to not feel less than (FYI: that’s why I’m so bad at receiving/giving compliments). Feeling the pain, not knowing where the source is or why it’s there in the first place, but knowing I was the cause. I felt ashamed, sometimes still do. Why? Because instead of looking at my body accepting and appreciating what I see in the mirror, I automatically look for flaws, comparing it to the beauty standards of today. These unachievable standards for the average person, they are the reason the norm today is body negativity.
I just needed one person to tell me
You’re not less than because of your age
You’re not less than because of your expression
You’re not less than because of your body type
You’re without flaws, the concept of beauty is not.
Wanting to be someone so bad, that I created an ego – just an ego, nothing else – like a car without fuel, I didn’t go anywhere. Figuring out my identity didn’t solve the problem either, I was just as shallow as before I came out.
I remember watching a video with Miss Minaj thinking “when I get her confidence, it’s over for y’all”. I was doing-, saying something and being someone else for the sake of my reputation and standards, to feel accepted. Embracing all parts of me was not enough, when I was hiding it behind closed doors for no one to experience the real me, the funny, caring, bubbly, passionate, strong (I’m such a Pisces) the thoughtful, loyal, confident piece of meat.
My ego was created out of survival instincts – building up a wall to protect my most vulnerable. Finding a support system made me realize that I don’t need the wall when I’m with them. On set for this shoot, I took a second to thank myself, for the hard work I’ve done the last year with my body image, even though it still can get tough sometimes.
I know I’m a product of where I come from, but will not be the machine that was engineered from my childhood deep scars. I’m more complex than that. I’ve spent my first 18 years living a lie – and the last 2,5 years not being myself.
Remember cutie: you’re enough as you are. Don’t let anybody else make you think differently. Oppressing and controlling norms are worth breaking, you’re not the problem, the norms are. The world has made it hard for us, but we stand our ground. We stay strong through it all.
Let’s continue the work of somebody elses,
to change shit – for the better of all.
Speak your truth, this is some of mine.
//For one of those days (Telling myself I’m a bad bitch until I’m not)//
Take cover or shade/
pounding through my body/
Surviving isn’t working/
with my longing to find/
my inner peace/
Constantly reminding myself/
I am my own masterpiece//